Friday, February 19, 2010

Letter to Levi Johnston

Hey there, Levi. Ever since you got dragged onto the national stage as Bristol Palin's betrothed, I've had my eye on you. I mean, after all, you were intimate with someone in the Palin household and when Sarah got introduced to us all, we really wanted information about the Palin household.

I see you've tried to make the best of what is probably a really rotten situation. Your gal Bristol dumped you (was she enticed by the offer of a Cadillac or was it she had the hots for another guy?) and since then you've done your level best to be a good father to Tripp (whose last name was originally announced as Johnston). Sarah blew your cover on the electrician job on the slope although I don't know why your dad couldn't fix that up for you. So you started reaching out via the media and found yourself taking deals with glossy mags and even Playgirl. I hold no grudge against you for that, and in fact, find you to be an attractive young guy. I'm sorry that I'm way too old for you and probably shouldn't be saying that but hey, that's the way it goes.

But what I really want to write to you about is your former possible future mother-in-law. She's been prancing around the stage with her ultra-short skirts, her faux hair, her high heels and manicured fingers, and of course gobs of makeup over a plasticene face (courtesy of some surgeon). That in itself would be just fine except, because she is a ditz who once shared a ticket with John McCain, she makes national news whenever a piece of gravel falls from her perfectly pouty lips... The health care debate, for example, was derailed for days if not weeks because she claimed the proposed legislation would create a "death panel." Of course that was totally false. But just because she said it, it was repeated ad nauseum and continues to this day to be something that mindless minions believe.

Let me sum up here. The longer she remains someone that a certain small demographic cling to, the longer our national dialogue on some very important issues is clouded with her stupidity. I know and you know that there is information you have that could blow her out of the water. I know that she and her daughter are doing their best to drain you of any financial resources you may have or may even hope to have. I know that the longer you remain silent (out of some dutiful or honorable notion regarding Bristol), the less likely it is that we can finally send Sarah back to the wilds of Alaska where (forgive me, dear ones in Alaska) she should remain forever banished.

It's time, past time even, Levi, for you to say what you know and/or get your book out. And I'm not talking about revealing that Sarah likes crunchwraps. It's time for you and Mercede and even your dear mom to tell -- once and for all -- what you know about the Palin clan (mafia, if you prefer). Don't succumb to fear. It's clear that either they will get you, or you will get them. I know which option I'd prefer. Please think about it, but don't take too long!

What's holding you back? Let us know. You have a lot of support down here in the lower 48. Reach out, we can and will help.

Best wishes,

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