Monday, April 19, 2010

Canada, Oh Canada, Did You Deserve the Intimacy? [UPDATED]

[Updated to add pop-up boxes with actual word salad in them.]

The Globe and Mail (a Toronto publication) obtained a recording of Sarah Palin's recent speech in Canada, given before 900 people who paid $200 per seat/plate for a little known charity.  A transcription of the speech is available on the Globe and Mail's site.

Here is an interesting fact about the speech that Palin gave:

She used the word "I" (or a variant like "I'm," "me", or "we" in the personal or royal sense) at least 265 times in her overly long 45 minute dinner ramble.  When you do the math, that comes out to 5.87 references to herself every minute, or once every 10.22 seconds.  Can there be any doubt that for Sarah, she is the very center of the universe?

Since the speech was awfully long I'll just paraphrase each paragraph below.  But if you are willing to wallow in her trademark word salad complete with moose dropping dressing one paragraph at a time, just click the buttons to see what she actually said.

1. I don't know the difference between Buenos Aires (Argentina) and buenos dias (kinda like bonjour) but I love diversity and I'm used to being heckled, so bring it on!

2. I really don't want to be "political" but I can't help myself talking about energy.  After all, the more we drill, baby, drill, the more money we can donate to worthy causes because we'll all be richer!  Yay!

3. I'm just getting off the Tea Party trough. And hey, shifting from the political, where you never knew which interviewer would play "gotcha," is a good thing because "gotcha" is a terrible game.

4. Poor Piper, doesn't want me cheating by asking God to speak through me in the VP debate.  Not that I would ever think God actually would do such a thing!  But no harm in asking… "Cause you know, why not?"

5. Go Hamilton, go NHL, rah rah. And I'll use my awesome powers of persuasion on the NHL president if I gets the chance. Rah.

6. Out of left field, there's this Marcanti family. What a story.  [What story?]

7. There was this coach who said we shouldn't just sit around in parked cars waiting for God to do something for us. 

8. And eh, I even sound Canadian so you should really like me.

9. We lived right across the border from you, and hockey too.  Good times.

10. Even had a bootlegger in our family tree from Canada.  We Palins are never boring!

11. I'll forgive you for winning the Olympic gold in hockey.

12. By the way, everyone wants to know if I'm going to run for President in 2012, don't you?

13. And don't forget about not just sitting in your parked cars.

14. Todd's cool.  He is gone 6 months of the year but still goes to all kinds of tea parties, even the women kind, and rides snowmachines with a broken arm. And Alaska is really big, too!

15. I did a lot of cool things when I was younger. My kid Track broke his shoulder at 18 and joined the Army instead of becoming a major league hockey player. Freedom isn't free, ya know?

16. I don't know how much Todd has to do with it but I found out I was pregnant with a retard. Go figure that God would pick me instead of my sister. But I found the silver lining eventually.

17. Haha, nobody knew I was 7 months pregnant, and I had the kid after only 3 weeks. Can you believe there's some people who question this?

18. Good ol' Trig, he's a blast.

19. Not only did we get Trig, my perfect daughter got knocked up! Raining babies … wow.

20. Shit happens.  Wonder what Tripp is going to call me?

21. And then, go figure, in the very same year, John McCain calls me up. Talk about being in a tough situation before! This is when I realized I could use some cheering up, and after all, Plato said be nice to everyone.

22. Ok some days are better than others and if you just hang on, you'll live through all the crap.

23. I mean, it's painful to go through all the crap but look at me now!

24. My idol, Reagan, loved you Canada people. Good on you for sending troops who died in our war.

25. Think about all the people who said they'd leave America.  Where do they want to go?  Canada!

26. There's more Canadians in Los Angeles than you can shake a stick at! But we lost, me and McCain, so they didn't have to leave.

27. And by the way, after driving on the Al-Can highway which only took 26 days to ram through, I was a mayor and a city council member and a city manager and a commissioner and a governor, too, don'tcha know!

28. Don't forget that we have hungry, hungry markets for energy. I was transparent, and I defeated untold oil and gas corruptions and  got the gasline moving after 50 years of talk.

29. That's why I gave the contract to TransCanada, for their ingenuity and work ethic.

30. Your tar sands make me drool.

31. Don't forget, if we drill we will prosper and be more secure too. Maybe then we can volunteer to help others.

32. By the way, I'm still working on energy.

33. Tea Parties are just a hoot! But the life-size pictures of naked people caught me off guard.

34. Todd's not even a Republican, and more power to him, even if I can't get him to join the party.

35. Drill, baby, drill.  That will keep our people from hurting and stop terrorists from attacking.

36. Did I mention that I'm going to focus on energy?

37. Let's work together just like we did when I was governor. Remember I was governor?

38. Even if I don't have a title you can still call me governor.

39. Remember Plato and the Al-Can!

40. Oh, and did I tell you that Todd's an Eskimo? God bless this night and carry the torch because our ancestors gave it to us and that's not a coincidence.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~0~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Danielle Crittendon, who writes for the Globe and Mail, published a way-too-kind synopsis of Palin's speech here and my friends at Palingates published Danielle's live tweets from the event. (Danielle's husband is Canadian-born David Frum, recently of the National Review, and no longer employed thanks in part to his, imo honest, assessment of where the Republicans went wrong in the health care debate.)

Archivist has a totally LOL take on this speech too, spotlighting just a fraction of the truly stupid that spilled out of Sarah's mouth.  No wonder Sarah didn't want anyone taping it.
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